When the moon hangs low and reaches it's full roundness the memories return. The darkness masks their importance as if the dark shroud could hide the truth
...I miss you.
I guess I'm still broken hearted. I guess I still love you. I guess I can't let you go. But do I? Or do I miss the idea of you more? Or maybe, as I often do,I have created an image, a love so out of this world and larger than life that it never really was. That the reality will always pale in comparison....
Tomorrow I turn 25, a quarter of a century lived and still I feel as though I've not accomplished much of anything. It's funny isn't it? How we go about our lives systematically as if the motions and movements make it all real. There are times on my morning commute where I feel as though I am living in some sort of movie and one day the director will yell "CUT" and I will finally see that none of this and none of that is real. Or maybe that's what I'm hoping for, a re-do, a time out, a let's try that again shall we?
But alas this is my life and it's a good life, a great life, a crazy surreal one even.
This what I feel for ____ is not love. It is love masking in my need to feel a connection, to feel alive, to feel anything. I find myself creating an elaborate story of how this, whatever it is, is real. But the truth is that it isn't. ____ gives into me because I push ____ to. I choose to like ____ because I know it is doomed to fail. Because the truth is that I am afraid to really let go, to really allow the cement walls protecting my heart to crumble. I am afraid of feeling worthy of love....
12.15.2009
11.07.2009
Take Offs & Landings
The slow climb into
the sky
As the ground beneath becomes
a reflection of the constellations above
Blankets of light flickering
in both directions
And You and I
unavoidably caught in
the breath between
Gravity pulls at metal wings
shifting reminders
of reality setting in
At ten thousand miles
We turn on our sounds
though silence seems
heavier
We wonder, what is left?
Left of center is where
we must begin this journey
into unknowing smiles
sighs, whispers, distractions
Neither one anticipating
the decent, the sound
of arching
Here in the sky
nothing can touch us
Cocooned in metal
shrouds
We can only lean
upon each other
grasping fingers
intertwine
The touch of humanity
almost unbearable
The formations of the land
below become
infinitely clear
As we journey back
into our worlds
separate entities
entirely devoid of truth
When rubber kisses asphalt
our breaths hitch
we are back
On the ground, staring
at the sky above
the quiet journey
we've just departed from
This goodbye seems
endless until we find
ourselves once again
among the clouds
the sky
As the ground beneath becomes
a reflection of the constellations above
Blankets of light flickering
in both directions
And You and I
unavoidably caught in
the breath between
Gravity pulls at metal wings
shifting reminders
of reality setting in
At ten thousand miles
We turn on our sounds
though silence seems
heavier
We wonder, what is left?
Left of center is where
we must begin this journey
into unknowing smiles
sighs, whispers, distractions
Neither one anticipating
the decent, the sound
of arching
Here in the sky
nothing can touch us
Cocooned in metal
shrouds
We can only lean
upon each other
grasping fingers
intertwine
The touch of humanity
almost unbearable
The formations of the land
below become
infinitely clear
As we journey back
into our worlds
separate entities
entirely devoid of truth
When rubber kisses asphalt
our breaths hitch
we are back
On the ground, staring
at the sky above
the quiet journey
we've just departed from
This goodbye seems
endless until we find
ourselves once again
among the clouds
10.15.2009
i am still alive... in case you wondered... all 4 of you
It has been awhile since I've written a blog entry, since August as a matter of fact, so I felt the need to dust off the old keyboard and get to writing except when I tried I had nothing to write about. Well to help inspire me I asked my friends to send me questions and or topics to write from a few kind souls have left me suggestions. The following entry will be the first of the few I received.
Q:How can one differentiate insecurity from intuition? How can a person tell whether they are going off their intuition or just being insecure?
This question caught me off guard. My initial reaction was, is it possible to not know the difference because in my mind they seemed completely on different ends of the spectrum. But the more I thought about it the more I realized the complexity of this particular question.
I suppose it begins with the understanding of these two words. What is intuition? What is insecurity? For me intuition is a voice that guides and insecurity is a voice that hinders. Which is why I seemed to think of these two as opposite. But there is certainly a thin line between these two worlds.
I think the main difference is that one (intuition) comes out of trusting yourself and the other (insecurity) is more fear based. We are prompted into action by being afraid or being inspired to take action. The fear based response is often reactionary which may not always lead to the best outcome.
I think the first thing is to learn to trust yourself. Once you can decifer the different voices tugging at you then it'll be easier to see the differences between the two ideas.
In my own life I've relied on my faith and belief that things that happen are all meant to happen as they are. It took me a long time to quell the over bearing self destructive voice that seems to always rear its ugly head while making important decisions but with a little time and a little self acceptance I have learned to not be as self destructive. I've learned to love myself and wow what a difference a little love makes!
Q:How can one differentiate insecurity from intuition? How can a person tell whether they are going off their intuition or just being insecure?
This question caught me off guard. My initial reaction was, is it possible to not know the difference because in my mind they seemed completely on different ends of the spectrum. But the more I thought about it the more I realized the complexity of this particular question.
I suppose it begins with the understanding of these two words. What is intuition? What is insecurity? For me intuition is a voice that guides and insecurity is a voice that hinders. Which is why I seemed to think of these two as opposite. But there is certainly a thin line between these two worlds.
I think the main difference is that one (intuition) comes out of trusting yourself and the other (insecurity) is more fear based. We are prompted into action by being afraid or being inspired to take action. The fear based response is often reactionary which may not always lead to the best outcome.
I think the first thing is to learn to trust yourself. Once you can decifer the different voices tugging at you then it'll be easier to see the differences between the two ideas.
In my own life I've relied on my faith and belief that things that happen are all meant to happen as they are. It took me a long time to quell the over bearing self destructive voice that seems to always rear its ugly head while making important decisions but with a little time and a little self acceptance I have learned to not be as self destructive. I've learned to love myself and wow what a difference a little love makes!
8.18.2009
(500) days
This will be the last thing I write about you....
This will be the moment I let you go....
This will be the reality of our lives....
It's been months... days... hours... minutes... seconds
... and I think I've finally reached the point of being okay with letting go. I loved you, this much I know is true. You loved me too, that I also know. But sometimes love isn't enough and when we get older we learn this is the truth. That destiny and fate and love they are all alive but not always in the people we wish so desperately for them to be.
I want you to know I never stopped believing on account of our unraveling. I want you to know that for awhile there I was a mess listening to sad songs, writing crappy poetry, blaming myself, reliving the moments in which I saw us dissipate. I want you to know that I am not perfect, I never have been and never will be for that matter, and you know that's okay. I want you to know that I am grateful for having had you in my life and subsequently for feeling heart broken. I want you to know I still feel alive despite the fact that I thought you were the air.
...and so this is my good bye to you a finality I've never really been good at despite pretending to always be. I guess I'm just done pretending. I guess I just want to move on and look forward to the rest of my time here on Earth. I think the only way to that is to set myself free of the hope that you and I will be, Us once more. You wrote me and for the first time I felt no satisfaction from knowing you were there just across the wires. The words they stared at me blankly and all I could think was this is how far we've come and this is the only place left for it to go. Which is exactly nowhere a dead end. I felt a relief in that.
... You opened me up in ways I never knew I could open and I am so happy about that. So full of gratitude for the opening of doors into rooms of myself I never knew were there. I am starting to fill them now with furniture and books and pictures they're all slowly starting to feel like home. For so long I thought you were my only gateway into happiness. But that evidently is not true. I find myself missing you and I remember it wasn't meant to be that our time was up, that is our destiny.
...So thank you for breaking my heart and for showing me it's okay to love and to be loved.
This is my farewell....
This is my way of being free...
This is how it has to be....
I see it now I feel it I understand it
This will be the moment I let you go....
This will be the reality of our lives....
It's been months... days... hours... minutes... seconds
... and I think I've finally reached the point of being okay with letting go. I loved you, this much I know is true. You loved me too, that I also know. But sometimes love isn't enough and when we get older we learn this is the truth. That destiny and fate and love they are all alive but not always in the people we wish so desperately for them to be.
I want you to know I never stopped believing on account of our unraveling. I want you to know that for awhile there I was a mess listening to sad songs, writing crappy poetry, blaming myself, reliving the moments in which I saw us dissipate. I want you to know that I am not perfect, I never have been and never will be for that matter, and you know that's okay. I want you to know that I am grateful for having had you in my life and subsequently for feeling heart broken. I want you to know I still feel alive despite the fact that I thought you were the air.
...and so this is my good bye to you a finality I've never really been good at despite pretending to always be. I guess I'm just done pretending. I guess I just want to move on and look forward to the rest of my time here on Earth. I think the only way to that is to set myself free of the hope that you and I will be, Us once more. You wrote me and for the first time I felt no satisfaction from knowing you were there just across the wires. The words they stared at me blankly and all I could think was this is how far we've come and this is the only place left for it to go. Which is exactly nowhere a dead end. I felt a relief in that.
... You opened me up in ways I never knew I could open and I am so happy about that. So full of gratitude for the opening of doors into rooms of myself I never knew were there. I am starting to fill them now with furniture and books and pictures they're all slowly starting to feel like home. For so long I thought you were my only gateway into happiness. But that evidently is not true. I find myself missing you and I remember it wasn't meant to be that our time was up, that is our destiny.
...So thank you for breaking my heart and for showing me it's okay to love and to be loved.
This is my farewell....
This is my way of being free...
This is how it has to be....
I see it now I feel it I understand it
5.18.2009
finally.. i write
I see your reflection caught in the glass window in front of which you are currently standing. There. That look in your eye that says you will break my heart…
I step towards you reaching a hand to your shoulder and feel the distance as my flesh presses your flesh. It’s so easy once you see that there is the inevitable truth: my heart is yours to break over and over and over again if you wish.
I don’t flinch as the words spill from your mouth, ripples of water disturbing the calm. I take it in and nod. You repeat them as if the repetition will further my understanding. Though as I watch the movements of your face I see that the repetition is for your own wellbeing.
“It’s not you, it’s me.”
You say. The cadence of your voice like wind drifting through cherry blossoms. You’re leaving and all I can see is the way the sun dances in the pools of blue that are threatening to spill over on to dry land. I stand and listen because that is what I’m supposed to do a china doll devoid of feeling?
“Do you have anything to say?”
The question startles me into existence. What is there to say? Do I beg forgiveness? Absolve me of these sins… Absolution to grant me into heavenly graces. I crane my neck.
“Well?”
Stunned into silence I reach my hand to sweep it across your cheek. I look into you.
“Please say something. Anything.”
I open my mouth to speak though currently cotton is all that is released.
I love you
I manage the three words so meaningless I can’t even believe them. You stand staring your head cocked to one side a hand upon your hip. Your foot nearly in nervous tapping.
“I love you too, but…”
The words trail off into a path unknown. I mull over the sentence hoping to find a way into the logic that another three letters can say so much without saying anything at all. BUT. It stares at me in staccato shape teasing, questioning. I look to you again for answers you will never know…
silence
I step towards you reaching a hand to your shoulder and feel the distance as my flesh presses your flesh. It’s so easy once you see that there is the inevitable truth: my heart is yours to break over and over and over again if you wish.
I don’t flinch as the words spill from your mouth, ripples of water disturbing the calm. I take it in and nod. You repeat them as if the repetition will further my understanding. Though as I watch the movements of your face I see that the repetition is for your own wellbeing.
“It’s not you, it’s me.”
You say. The cadence of your voice like wind drifting through cherry blossoms. You’re leaving and all I can see is the way the sun dances in the pools of blue that are threatening to spill over on to dry land. I stand and listen because that is what I’m supposed to do a china doll devoid of feeling?
“Do you have anything to say?”
The question startles me into existence. What is there to say? Do I beg forgiveness? Absolve me of these sins… Absolution to grant me into heavenly graces. I crane my neck.
“Well?”
Stunned into silence I reach my hand to sweep it across your cheek. I look into you.
“Please say something. Anything.”
I open my mouth to speak though currently cotton is all that is released.
I love you
I manage the three words so meaningless I can’t even believe them. You stand staring your head cocked to one side a hand upon your hip. Your foot nearly in nervous tapping.
“I love you too, but…”
The words trail off into a path unknown. I mull over the sentence hoping to find a way into the logic that another three letters can say so much without saying anything at all. BUT. It stares at me in staccato shape teasing, questioning. I look to you again for answers you will never know…
silence
4.27.2009
Absent Kisses
The fleshy pink
of your mouth
Heavy with cherry
lingers
You stay without
warning
In this moment
Your head
tilts
lilts
to the left
The squint of
an Eye
an invitation
To bridge the gap
A wisp of breath
a walkway into
You
Devoid of forever
But an instant
Of knowing
Want resides
As we press in prayer
To a god that sleeps
Beneath the shade of
Magnolias overgrown
Wanderlust intrudes
Idle hands begin
to discover hills and valleys
Untouched
The discovery of new worlds
Promises of next time
a lifetime
none of it real
Moments of lost
Visions. You become
the movement
the rhythm
the solace I seek in
absence
Disjointed
arrangements
Falling for a
Hope
that this
movement is
only the beginning
of the end
You remember
to be gentle
Yet
I push you
to an edge
daring you to jump
into the void
of must, of need
Dare we speak?
Wake from
this crimson, this midnight, this loneliness
There is still
A kiss
a reminder that
electricity is in our blood
The tips of our fingers
Shock us to life
The softness of lips
in absent kisses
languid as Sunday afternoons
Sun lazily drifts
through shades drawn
in hopes that this will
never end
that midnight
will stay forever
That we will remain
tangled in this lifetime
Only to find ourselves in
the next
Next time
if there is to be another
we will know
That this isn't the truth
That this isn't our
love to own
to grasp in our hands
so tight that the
that it dies
in the fingers that
once brought us to life
of your mouth
Heavy with cherry
lingers
You stay without
warning
In this moment
Your head
tilts
lilts
to the left
The squint of
an Eye
an invitation
To bridge the gap
A wisp of breath
a walkway into
You
Devoid of forever
But an instant
Of knowing
Want resides
As we press in prayer
To a god that sleeps
Beneath the shade of
Magnolias overgrown
Wanderlust intrudes
Idle hands begin
to discover hills and valleys
Untouched
The discovery of new worlds
Promises of next time
a lifetime
none of it real
Moments of lost
Visions. You become
the movement
the rhythm
the solace I seek in
absence
Disjointed
arrangements
Falling for a
Hope
that this
movement is
only the beginning
of the end
You remember
to be gentle
Yet
I push you
to an edge
daring you to jump
into the void
of must, of need
Dare we speak?
Wake from
this crimson, this midnight, this loneliness
There is still
A kiss
a reminder that
electricity is in our blood
The tips of our fingers
Shock us to life
The softness of lips
in absent kisses
languid as Sunday afternoons
Sun lazily drifts
through shades drawn
in hopes that this will
never end
that midnight
will stay forever
That we will remain
tangled in this lifetime
Only to find ourselves in
the next
Next time
if there is to be another
we will know
That this isn't the truth
That this isn't our
love to own
to grasp in our hands
so tight that the
that it dies
in the fingers that
once brought us to life
4.05.2009
What I wore Today!
Hello Blogland!This will be a new thing I'm trying called what I wore today inspired by a few other bloggers and a book with thee same title....
What I wore:
Dress: Next Generation
Leggings: American Apparel
Boots: Thrift Store Find
Bag: H&M
Sunglasses: Sunglass store on Haight
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